Have you found the one? Or at least the one for now? Then you must recognize your worst enemy this Valentine’s Day: Hope.
Hope is that glimmer in your girl’s eye when she sees a deliveryman appear in her office doorway with two dozen long stemmed roses and for a second thinks they could be for her, when really they’re for her coworker—the coworker whose fiancé hid a pearl engagement ring inside an actual oyster and proposed to her while they were scuba diving (when she accepted, her entire family floated up from behind a nearby coral reef). 
Hope is when a package arrives on the morning of February 14th and instead of finding that scarf whose website page she emailed you, and then printed out and taped to the fridge, she opens the next razor in your Dollar Shave Club subscription. Hope is the Spring in her step. But on February 15th, you’ll know Winter is coming.
Maybe you’re planning a little something. But know this: Russell Stover will only show your sweetie that life is like a box of chocolates—sometimes you pay more for something than it’s actually worth. Instead of letting her endure years of lackluster romantic gestures—the generic card, candy hearts, or yet another stuffed teddy bear—don’t gesture at all. Cross your arms over your chest. Stomp your foot from the start—all over her dreams.
If you are with someone you even remotely suspect you might still be with next Valentine’s Day, go ahead and arrange a bad date. Hurt her feelings. Maybe even outright insult her. The prudent Romeo plans ahead so that next year, the love of your life will anticipate nothing, and therefore won’t be disappointed.
Here are some awful Valentine’s Day ideas to inspire you:
- Sit down with a lawyer to prepare your living wills. Till death do you part? Maybe sooner rather than later.
- Drill her expectations into submission with a couple’s dentist appointment.
Stream 47 Ronin. It has a startlingly low Rotten Tomatoes rating—even for a Keanu Reeves movie.- Swap gifts with the requirement that they have to be items found in your junk drawer.
- Over a glass of box wine, stare into each other’s eyes and share your best Valentine’s Day experience shared with a former partner.
- Light some candles and listen to Kevin Federline’s greatest hits. Perk: They’re all on one album. Because he only had one album.
- Present her with a slew of whatever scares her so that she may overcome her fears. Snakes? Ravens? Guns? The latter would be especially handy because you’d get to use the expression, “Stare down the barrel of a gun” literally, for what will most likely be the only time in your life—because you might spend the rest of it in jail.
- Slap a bow on your neighbor’s Mercedes and tell your girlfriend it’s your gift to her. Let her believe it for at least thirty minutes.
- Take in all of her pant waists by about one inch.
- Plan a beautiful evening—for your mother.
Despite what Hallmark and Patrick Dempsey movies would have us believe, Valentine’s Day is an inorganic, saccharine holiday that only sets us up for failure. So, if you’re going to fail anyway, why not fail like a champ?
Alena Dillon is the author of the humor collection, I Thought We Agreed to Pee in the Ocean. She has her MFA from Fairfield University and lives in New York with her husband. Follow Alena on Twitter: www.twitter.com/TheAlenaDillon
About Alena Dillon
Alena Dillon is the author of humor collection, I Thought We Agreed to Pee in the Ocean. She has her MFA from Fairfield University and lives in New York with her husband. Follow Alena on Twitter: @TheAlenaDillon
About Alena Dillon