When two renowned sex experts write a book, and title it “The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay,” well, our attention is immediately grabbed. And when that promised delivery of being an ultimate resource is delivered – well, then it’s time to get serious and implement some of this great information into your life.
Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, Ph.D. (Sex with Dr. Jess), and Marla Renee Stewart, MA (Sex DownSouth) have collaborated with each other to create the ultimate guide to seduction, arousal, and discovering how to satisfy your lover by utilizing their own style and fantasies. Most of your greatest discoveries in bed do not come by mistake – but asking the right questions.
And these are ten pretty great questions (even if we do think so ourselves):
Urbasm:
Hi Dr. Jess and Marla. How would you say sex has changed over the last 10 years? And how do you see it continuing to evolve over the next 10?
Dr Jess: The field of sextech has shifted the way we date, interact and have sex.
The Toys
Dr. Jess: Companies like Womanizer have launched new technology that allows folks to have more intense orgasms. Rather than using vibrations, their toys release gentle waves of air, they call it “pleasure air,” to create a suction-like sensation.
Other companies have integrated app-based technology into their product lines. Toys like the We-Vibe Pivot and Moxie, a really cool wearable panty-vibe that can be controlled from a remote or from the We-Connect app.
Urbasm:
That’s awesome.
Dr. Jess: The POP was designed for both pleasure and reproductive function. This novelty strap-on dildo allows you to have penetrative sex and enjoy the sensation of ejaculation — without a penis.
We’re also seeing toys with autopilot mode, AI technology is coming soon, pre-warming functions, heated carrying cases, and more. And our attitudes continue to evolve alongside tech. More people have the option to open up about a range of sexual identities and experiences — from kinky sex to ethical non-monogamy.
Urbasm:
What about you, Marla?
Marla: Sex has changed over the last 10 years because of access to technology and information. The simple fact that most things on the internet can be found in a millisecond, makes it so that we can inquire about anything in our sex lives and turn to the internet to find an answer, a support group, or other means of connecting with other people around sexuality.
The fact is, the pornography industry is the industry that is leading the world in sex technology. The porn industry was the first to come up with chat pop-ups, which you now see on every business site, and using webcamming to connect and over the last 10 years, the sex tech industry has been leading the way with sex robots, VR porn, and sex toys that can be controlled by apps on your phone.
As humans, we are always looking for the next (sex) “thing” and I think we should look at the pornography industry, as we have done in the past, to see where we should be going next in the industry. With the developments of AI and more ability to work from home, more people are going to be looking at the sex tech industry to enhance the way they experience pleasure and sex.
Urbasm:
What would you say are the most successful seduction moves that the majority of men ‘are not’ taking advantage of?
Emotional Seduction
Dr. Jess: Seduction isn’t just about what you say and do. Ultimately, how your partner responds to you is a matter of how they feel. And while you cannot control and you are not responsible for all of their emotions, you likely have a significant influence on how they feel about sex. If you want to be a masterful seducer, you likely need to get to know their core erotic feeling and their elevated erotic feelings. Tap into these and they’ll want more and more of what you’ve got to offer.
Urbasm:
Okay, what is a core erotic feeling?
Dr. Jess: Your core erotic feeling is the feeling you require in order to get in the mood for sex.
We offer some prompts and questions in the book to help you identify your core erotic feeling – and your partner’s, and once you’ve worked it out, you can do more to elicit this feeling on a daily basis. This is essential to sex for most people.
Once you’ve worked on your core erotic feeling, you can turn to your partner’s elevated erotic feelings. Your Elevated Erotic Feeling (EEF) is the feeling that takes sex to the next level. It makes it more intense in a specific way — this could be related to physical pleasure, psychological thrill, emotional fulfillment, intimate connection, spiritual experience or any other benefit you personally derive from sex.
This is when you can start tapping into the feelings associated with your lover’s fantasies — and they won’t be able to get enough of you! This isn’t a simple exercise. It takes time to cultivate the trust and communication required to start talking about these more vulnerable experiences, but when you do, you’ll be, almost, irresistible.
Urbasm:
Speaking of ‘irresistible,’ What is the best foreplay recipe for a man who is about to be with a woman for the first time?
Physical Seduction
Dr. Jess: (Full-body caress from the book) Begin at their scalp by touching very gently. Roll your fingertips through their hair or trace them in slow semi-circles. Kiss gently with your lips and use your nose to follow the contours of their ears. Take your time here spending a few minutes on their scalp and ears alone.
Work your way down their neck breathing breath kisses over it for a few minutes; you can keep your hands on their head to stay grounded. Follow the shape of their neck with the tip of your nose, cheeks and lips. Plant a few gentle kisses and trace around with your palms. Smile as you touch them for pleasure. Use massage lotion or oil and make sure it is open and accessible in case you need to reach for more during the full-body caress.
Work your way down to their shoulders — kiss, lick, breathe, swirl, touch, and really feel their skin against yours. Notice how their skin feels and how your body responds as you touch and explore. Use the backs of your hands over their shoulders as you gradually work your way over their upper back and shoulder blades.
As you work your way down their sides and lower back, touch slowly and with intention. Spend a few minutes here before you slide down to their buttocks.
Sweep your palms gently over their cheeks. Allow your hands to move in unison or alternate one at a time. Start slow and gentle and increase the speed and pressure over the course of three to four minutes. Breath over their butt cheeks. Kiss them. Suck them. Breathe them in. Slide your finger between them. Glide your nose between them. Roll your tongue around the area. Tease down low, but do not reach around and grab their hottest spots yet.
As you work your way down their thighs, alternate between gentle trickles and breaths and warm touch as you wrap your hands right around them and slide up and down. Move from side to side as well as in unpredictable, organic patterns with your lips, cheeks, nose, hands, and chest. Slip your fingers between their thighs so that you almost touch their genitals. Open their thighs and kiss all around with heavy breaths. Be sure to explore every square inch so no area goes untouched.
Take your time as you explore their calves, inner ankles, and feet. Once you have caressed the entire backside from head to toe, move back up their legs for a second round and move on to their arms. Play with the thin skin of their inner elbows and take extra time with their fingers to touch, caress, kiss, and suck. Experiencing orgasmic sensations in your hands can be overwhelming, so spend a few extra minutes here.
When it is time to roll them over, cover their eyes and reconnect by holding hands or kissing before starting again from head to toe. Spend at least a few minutes caressing their face with the backs of your hands. Plant kisses, run your nose around their curves and breathe deeply. Kiss and caress their neck, ears, and collarbone. The face and collarbone can also tingle with pleasure during orgasm, so be sure to play with various strokes, kisses and nuzzles.
Work your way down their body just as slowly as you did on the backside exploring and experimenting with new touch patterns. Follow the curves of their chest, abdomen, and hips. Roll your fingers around the nipples, breathe over their chest, kiss down their sides, slide your cheeks under their arms, trace their contours with your nose, use a feather or soft scarf over their shoulders and upper arms, turn on a vibrator on the bedside table to pique their interest, swirl your palms over their inner wrists, twirl your tongue around their fingers from top to bottom and breathe over their tummy.
When you eventually arrive between their legs, breathe warm air over them as you skip their genitals and play with their thighs. Continue to kiss, stroke, rub, lick, fondle, brush and embrace their legs down to their toes. Move purposefully and follow your natural inclinations. You can pick up the pace and the pressure as you come back up to their genitals and move on to a more erotic touch — with your hands, lips, tongue, and toys.
Urbasm:
We doubt there is much that can be added to that detailed excerpt, but we’d love to know your thoughts on that, Marla?
Marla: To go with the emotional seduction piece, I would like to add direct communication – and ask about what your lover wants. If they aren’t sure about what they want, having a clear and direct plan that caters to who your lover is as a person. For instance, if your lover wants to try something kinky, plant a “sex seed” and leave them a blindfold in a place where they can find it. Keep watering the sex seed by inquiring about kinky things that you would like to incorporate or sending them links or questions about some kinky things with blindfolds. Seduction is about the art of teasing and pleasing, so how you build up that moment is the way that you can embrace that emotional seduction and cater to your lover’s needs.
Taking your time to learn your lover’s body, getting in tune with all the nooks and crannies, as well as embracing and adoring all their parts will help you to be a better lover, as long as you stay present.
Urbasm:
We’ve talked about one recipe to seduce a partner, but what does it mean when a man is working these seduction techniques, and his best moves just aren’t getting any response?
Dr. Jess: Regardless of gender, if the person you’re trying to seduce isn’t interested, you should probably back off. If they’re not interested, they’re not interested.
If you’re in a relationship with this person, we suggest you ask them how they want to be seduced. This is an ongoing conversation. We offer some prompts in our “Seduction Interview” from the book.
This is an excerpt (more in the book):
What are the best and worst times to initiate sexual contact?
- When do you like to have sex? What time of the day is best?
- Do you like to be woken up for sex when you are asleep?
- What are the best days/worst days of the week to have sex?
- Are you open to having sex while you are menstruating?
- Are you open to having sex while on a work break or would you rather wait until you are finished work?
- What are the best/worst times to have sex as it relates to the kids?
- Can you think of a scene from a show or movie that represents the type of seduction you desire?
Example: I like the way Meghan told Don Draper of Mad Med that he didn’t deserve her as she teased him with kinky play. I like the idea of being teased and mysterious at the same time.)
- Is there a scene that you would like to re-enact?
- Are there shows, movies, or particular celebrities that turn you on?
- Have you seen a show or movie in which the romance feels believable?
- Are there romantic shows or films that accurately represent your seduction style?
- Is there a character you find attractive? What attracts you to them
- Can you think of a scene from a show or movie that represents what you do not want when it comes to seduction and initiating sex?
Example: I hate the aggressive way they kiss on TV with their hands all over each other’s faces.
- Are there particular shows or movies that turn you off?
- Is there a celebrity that completely turns you off when you watch them on television or at the movie theatre?
- Is there a character you find sexually off-putting? Why do they turn you off?
- Are there words or phrases you like to hear that might put you in the mood for sex? Example: I love to hear you declaring your love for me in public
- If there are words or phrases, what are they or should I guess?
- Should the words be romantic or raunchy? What’s the situation for either of these?
- Do you like to hear the same words or phrases or should they be different each time?
- Should the words be witty and conversational or can they be one-sided?
Urbasm:
What do you think, Marla?
Marla: There are plenty of reasons why a woman wouldn’t be interested in a man’s seduction techniques, including she’s not interested, there might be an emotional boundary, or she’s not open to being seduced.
On the other hand (and if the woman might be interested in being seduced), he might not be paying attention to what her Seduction Learning Style© is. We all get seduced in different ways and that might be visually, auditorily, or kinesthetically or a combination of two or all three! Not paying attention and not having an awareness of how a person may be seduced is going to be difficult if you don’t know how to activate them.
We give all these tips and more in our book, The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay, which is a great seduction and sex hack when it comes to figuring out what kind of person you are approaching.
For example, you might know if someone gets seduced visually if you are dressed nice and they look you up and down and maintain eye contact. Asking about someone’s day is a great hack because if they give you a long answer, most likely, they get seduced auditorily. Taking a lover to a store to see if they touch anything on the shelves is a great way to observe if someone’s seduction learning style is kinesthetic.
Urbasm:
That is a great sex hack, Marla. And this brings up a topic we’d like to touch upon. Are there any sexual desires that are best to ‘show’ rather than ‘tell’? For instance, when it might be better to act on a desire and read her reaction versus asking her directly if she’s interested in trying something new?
Marla: The first thing you need to do is have a conversation about consent practices. For example, if someone tells you that consensual non-consent is their thing and that you have access to their body until they say “no, I don’t like that” then you’re probably good to go to surprise them sexually with whatever it is that you want to try. However, if it’s someone who needs consistent consent, it’s best to take your time and ask consent along the way so that you both can have a mutually pleasurable experience based on what both of your needs and desires are.
Urbasm:
Yes, consent is very important. Dr. Jess, give us your five best oral sex hacks for men?
1. Use Lube
Dr. Jess: Anything your tongue can do, your fingers can do just as well — and you can create ten nimble “tongues” with just a few drops of lube on your fingertips. Weave fantasies by creating the sensation of “two tongues”. Lick all-around your lover’s lips with your tongue and then add a second “tongue” with your index finger. If they’re into it, talk about how badly you want her and how everyone wants her. Pretend that you’re sharing your lover with the second tongue and talk dirty to flesh out the scenario.
2. Roll Your Tongue into a Tube
Dr. Jess: Slide it over the head of the clitoris while you moan to create vibrations. Slide it inside while you pulse with your finger over the head of the clitoris.
3. Use Your Face
Dr. Jess: In the beginning, while you’re building arousal, you generally want to move slowly and gently. A barely-there touch is ideal to build anticipation. But as your lover gets closer to orgasm, they need something to grind against…and that something is your face. Slide your hands under the butt cheeks and pull them right into your face. Follow the rhythm of their hips as you increase the pressure.
4. Make Noise!
Dr. Jess: Don’t hold your breath waiting to hear your lover’s response. The more noise you make, the more comfortable they’ll be following suit. The more you allow your breath to flow freely, the more deeply they’ll breath. Make sure they know you love it and they’ll love it too. And every sound is accompanied by reverberations — and most of us love vibrations.
5. Use the Womanizer
Dr. Jess: Speaking of which, use toys down there! The Womanizer is a great option, as it uses tiny waves of air to create a suction-like sensation over the head of their clitoris at the top. You can work the rest of the vulva with your lips, tongue, fingers, nose, cheeks, chin and breath while your handy-helper sits at the top. Let your lover hold it in place to control the intensity, angle and pressure.
Urbasm:
Marla?
Marla: There are more incredible oral sex hacks in the book based on vulva positioning and clitoris size!
Urbasm:
Save some secrets for the book. Good call. We like the message of embracing rejection in your book. We think that every man needs to learn how to approach a woman about partaking in his top sex fantasies with more confidence, while also not taking rejection personally if that is what happens. What is your suggested formula for a man to have the best shot at interesting his partner in a request that is likely to be rejected if he does not approach it with care?
Dr. Jess: (From the book) Remember that rejection is a part of life. If you try to avoid it, you will always live in fear. The most powerful, successful, attractive and admirable people in the world have faced rejection and continue to embrace it every single day. You are worthy of love and you will face rejection, so accept it, enjoy the challenge and continue to learn from your experiences.
Seduction can be the most alluring and the most challenging part of sex. Seduction refers to the art of teasing and pleasing, but it is also about enticing others to be curious about you while simultaneously catering to their desires. Seduction involves making a gracious offer to pique their interest free from pressure. The mind plays an important role in seduction and seduction exists in all types of relationships.”
If you approach seduction with mutual pleasure in mind and you clearly communicate your mutual pleasure, you’re more likely to get a positive response or be “rejected” with grace. For example, if you ask your partner for sex in a one-sided way or frame it as a complaint (e.g. “Come on. It’s been a week already. I can’t wait any longer.”), they’re more likely to see your approach as self-interested. If, on the other hand, you’re clear about your desire and your enthusiasm for making it a mutually pleasurable experience (e.g. “I want you so badly. I’ve been longing for you. I want to hear you moan with pleasure.”), they’re far more likely to be enticed and inclined to decline with care in the case that they’re not interested.
Urbasm:
Is there a place for ‘subtle’ dirty talk even on a first date, or should a guy hold that back for a later time?
Dr. Jess: Some people love dirty talk and some are intimidated by it. And one person’s dirty talk is another person’s romance, so you have to get to know your partner’s interests before you dive in. If you’re on a first date, you might flirt suggestively and see how they respond to gauge their interest.
If you joke about enjoying the meal, but really looking forward to dessert and they respond favourably or engage in playful banter, they’re likely more open to subtle dirty talk than if they just laugh awkwardly and change the subject.
Marla: It’s okay to express your desires, wants, and needs on a first date, as long as it comes off as friendly. As the saying goes, “it’s not about what you say, but how you say it.”
Urbasm:
Marla, what is one of the least asked questions about sex – that you wish you could be asked a lot more often?
Marla: “Can I squirt?”
Urbasm:
(Laughs)
Marla: Everyone has the ability to squirt.
Urbasm:
???
Marla: Yes, you, too.
Urbasm:
And Dr. Jess, what are the three core moves that every man should know about in order to be a better lover with pretty much any woman?
1. Breath Kisses
Dr. Jess: The breath kiss is among our favorite physical seduction techniques, as they can be planted all over the body and can help eager, well-intended lovers to s-l-o-w down in the heat of the moment.
Remember that you are not blowing out a candle or blowing on dice for good luck; the breath kiss involves a gentle but purposeful exhale. You can breathe kisses over the entire body from head to toe. Taking your time. Covering every square inch. Because when you stimulate the entire body – even with your breath — you are more likely to create full-body anticipation and pleasure when the time for arousal, sex and orgasm arises.
2. The Wet Trace
Dr. Jess: You use your tongue or even a finger with lube or massage oil to paint a wet line and then you breathe gently over the wet trace you’ve created. Use an open mouth for warm air or purse your lips to create a cooler sensation. Temperature play can be highly erotic as you shift between breathing warm air against the skin with a wide-open mouth and cool air with tightly pursed lips to activate your lover’s sensitive thermo-receptors.
3. The Full Body Orgasm
(Already described above – a.k.a. “Full Body Caress”)
Thank you, Marla and Dr. Jess, for answering our ten most burning questions with equally steamy suggestions. This should keep us busy for a while, but once you’re ready to leap down the rabbit hole to greater and more fulfilling depths of sexual satisfaction, you can purchase the complete book on Amazon.
And we can’t suggest more to hang out with Dr. Jess and Marla on a regular basis, and that can be accomplished in as easy as one, two, three. One, keep up with these brilliant women by bookmarking (Sexwithdrjess.com and Marlareneestewart.com). Two, receive daily sex tips on Twitter by following @SexWithDrJess and @1MarlaStewart. Three, we all know that Twitter isn’t the only game in town, so don’t forget they’re also on Instagram (Sexwithdrjess and 1Marlastewart).
Read More
The Art of Seduction – Interview with Zan Perrion
The Truth About Seduction, Dating, and The Pickup Artist
April Masini On Sex, Picking Up Women, and Why Men Fail
How to Seduce Women- The Wing Girl Dishes On What Most Dating Coaches Get Wrong
Dating Tips for the Average Nice Guy
About Dr. Eric J. Leech
Eric has written for over a decade. Then one day he created Urbasm.com, a site for every guy.
About Dr. Eric J. Leech