Men want game. Men want to feel in control of the outcome, they want to feel confident and secure with their chances of picking up a woman before they ever do it. And while this may seem like a reasonable desire to achieve, it is exactly the thing that is stopping you from building any ‘game’ of your own. If you really want to reduce your risk of failure with women, you need the knowledge from a woman who knows what it is that women want.
April Masini (a.k.a. AskApril) is a New York-based relationship expert and author. She’s seen and heard it all when it comes to men seeking women, and what she’s here to tell you is that if you want a woman you need to be worthy of her. And the best way to accomplish this is to… Well, we’ll let April tell you, herself:
Urbasm: Hi April, what do you think is the biggest reason that most men fail at attracting women?
April Masini: The number one reason most men fail is that they sabotage their own game. If you don’t go up to bat, you don’t get a chance to win. I hear from a lot of men on my free, relationship advice forum, who want to know what their chance of success might be — and they need a lot of reassurance, and even then, they sometimes decide the risk of rejection is not worth the win of a date. Sitting out is a bad idea. Flirting, asking a woman out on a date, and following through — are very basic ways to attract women. Confidence is a huge draw for most women — more so than appearance, wealth or career. Guys who feel that they’re worthy, usually get the woman.
Urbasm: What is the biggest libido killer that most guys are guilty of during a first date?
April Masini: If guys want the date to be sexy, then they should commit to that tone. Sophomoric behavior doesn’t foster lust for most partners. Good manners and confidence does. Bad grooming or attention to attire doesn’t foster a sexy tone, great grooming and looking and smelling awesome does. Being narcissistic and self centered doesn’t make a partner want to be romantic, but showing an interest in your date, does. And lastly, if you want a date to be a partner in lust and sex, act like it. Flirt, touch your partner and make it clear how you feel without being crass.
Urbasm: What is the best way to approach a woman without using a pickup line?
April Masini: Ask for help. Which drink should I order? Do you know where the dry cleaners is? Can you recommend a movie? Simply getting the conversation started is a great way to engage with someone you’re interested in getting to know. The risk is rejection, the loss is minuscule. The upside is huge. Ask for help — most people love being an adviser and if she’s attracted to you, she’ll be thrilled you asked.
Urbasm: What are your top tips for men to make their relationships better?
April Masini: If you value your partner and the relationship, make sure your behavior matches your feelings. Guys who love someone often lose them because they got lazy. Hanging out is easy — and doesn’t always make a relationship better. Asking someone out on a date that’s special, is going to do a lot more for your relationship than calling them on Saturday at 7 and asking what they’re doing. Also, small things go a long way. Little gifts, flowers, cards, compliments — these are the daily glue of your healthy relationship — and when you do these things for your relationship gets better.
Urbasm: When one is losing interest in the relationship, is it up to them or their partner to patch things up?
April Masini: The person who is losing interest has a choice as to whether or not they want to try and work at putting the spark back in the relationship. As well, the person who’s losing the interest of a partner can try to bring back their A game, which was probably lost over time. It doesn’t really matter who does the work as long as at least one person does. Ideally, if both people want the relationship, they’ll both try. But if someone is looking for the exit door because there’s not enough there for them to stay, there’s not much you can do to prevent the relationship’s ending.
Urbasm: But what can a guy do to at least improve his chances of rekindling a woman’s attention?
April Masini: The cliche about relationships requiring work is based in truth. Most times someone loses interest in the relationship or in the other person because that other person has dropped the ball and let themselves go, and/or let the relationship go. Hanging out replaces dates. Sweat pants replace a sexy outfit. And even more importantly, if you’re not taking care of yourself, you’re not taking care of your relationship.
Urbasm: What’s your best advice to keep a woman faithful over the long term?
April Masini: Take good care of yourself and be the guy your partner wants. Remember what you did to get the first date and to keep things going the first few months, and if you’ve stopped doing those things, get back to them! Don’t let the relationship go. Count the number of times you compliment someone you’re interested in.If the compliment rate is low, up it! Ask your date your date out days in advance — not hours. And just treat the person like a valued entity, not someone taken for granted.
Urbasm: If you’ve been dating someone for a short time and start to notice certain interests in the bedroom that are not what you consider normal and make you uncomfortable, how should you deal with that if you really like the person and want to make it work?
April Masini: First of all, mention that she’s gotten very creative! Don’t make her feel badly or ashamed for wanting to try new things. Second, try to be open minded and ask yourself if these are really deal breakers, or just new bedroom behaviors that you’re uncomfortable with because you’re not as comfortable with the unfamiliar. Third, consider trading off something you don’t want to do with something she doesn’t want to do — deal making is instrumental in relationships that go the distance.
Urbasm: Why do you think it is that some men are only interested in the conquest?
April Masini: This is probably genetic or historical and a better question for an anthropologist. I can tell you that in my experience men love to feel that they’ve succeeded and conquest — whether it’s winning over a romantic interest, or completing a crossword puzzle — makes them feel good. Conquests are just one type of success and most people love success because it makes them feel good about themselves.
Urbasm: Do you think it means they’re broken or have some deep seated relationship issues? Are they beyond repair, or haven’t found the one?
April Masini: No! Loving conquest doesn’t mean a man is broken. It means he likes to win. Winning isn’t a bad thing. Of course, whenever any part of your life is out of balance with the rest of it, you’ve got problems, so if someone wants to win at any cost, there’s going to be relationship problems. But, in general, conquest isn’t a bad thing.
Urbasm: What would you say is some of the worst dating advice that dating coaches are teaching guys, which is absolutely wrong?
April Masini: If a guy wants a relationship that is committed, then he should act like it. It’s really tough to change the game mid-way. For instance, a friends with benefits or a hook up relationship may seem cool at first. Easy, no commitment, no responsibility. But if the guy starts to want more in the way of commitment, after a month or a year or more, it’s very difficult to change the game. If you know that you want a commitment, start dating from that point and behave as if you want a commitment. And if you find yourself with someone who isn’t right for you for your goal of a commitment, even though that person is hot and/or fun, move on and stay focused on your goal so you don’t trick yourself into making a wrong choice and wasting time.
Urbasm: What are the three things that every guy should know about women and sex, according to you?
April Masini: [One], sex is different for women than it is for men. Women’s bodies require a lot more warming up than men’s do. If you want her to have great sex, which will benefit you, remember this fact!
[Two], threesomes will end a monogamous binary relationship. Maybe not the first time, or the second, but eventually, that menage a trois you’ve been dreaming about, will bust up the primary relationship you have.
[Three], Women are looking for men who are confident, successful and funny — way more than they’re looking for guys who resemble a movie star or rock star. Your appearance is important, but it’s not the deal breaker you may think it is. Be your best self, and go for it. Don’t hide out because you’re not 6’2 and camera ready.
Urbasm: You make it sound easy, April. And on behalf of single and hitched men everywhere, we thank you for your advice.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource — author of four relationship advice books, the ‘Ask April’ advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 25,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 623,000 Facebook fans, and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.
Follow her on Twitter and Facebook for more dating tips and advice.
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About Dr. Eric J. Leech
Eric has written for over a decade. Then one day he created Urbasm.com, a site for every guy.
About Dr. Eric J. Leech