And What You Should Do To Avoid Being Her Doormat
It’s no fun when someone takes advantage of you, much less when it’s a woman you’re really into.
But, all too often, guys I speak to have been suckered in by a woman who knows how to flirt to get what she wants.
But did you know that there are clear ways to avoid getting chewed up and thrown away?
Through my mentoring, I’ve seen that just about every guy—at one stage or another—has felt used. It can happen that women use you sexually, but most of the time what really crushes you is being pulled through the emotional ringer.
Why?
Guys won’t admit it, but when you fall for a woman, you fall big time. And your strong feelings tend to blind you to any signs that all is not what it seems in paradise.
Okay, so everyone gets hurt. But, being rejected or dumped is not the same as being used. Men who have suffered the lingering pain from feeling tricked or manipulated often become cynical. They might have a hard time trusting other women. They can avoid dating, thinking this will avoid more pain. They might even become users themselves.
But, guys, none of these reactions will get you what you really want—happy, respectful, fun-filled connections with women!
So how do you know if she is using you? Look out for these signs:
- SHE ONLY CONTACTS YOU WHEN SHE NEEDS SOMETHING. She never phones to say hi, or see how you’re doing. Instead, her window is jammed, or she needs a lift to the airport. Don’t be fooled into thinking this makes you her special GO-TO GUY. If that’s the only kind of contact you have with her … well, maybe she’ll throw in a cup of coffee to ease her own conscience, but she’s never making real time for you … she’s using you!
- YOU ALWAYS PAY. It might seem gentlemanly to pay her way. Well, that’s fine for a first date. But if you find yourself dipping into your pocket every single time with not even so much as a “let me get this round” you are being used. Don’t think you’ll impress her by flinging your cash around. A real woman respects you for valuing yourself (and your money). She’s not impressed by a man who is flaunting or careless with cash. Today’s woman has her own money, so she really ought to volunteer a round of drinks, or agree that you take turns paying or go Dutch when you go out. However, if she is always waiting for you to reach for your wallet … she’s using you!
- YOU ARE A “YES” MAN. I’ve heard sad stories from too many guys who thought if they aimed to please her in every way, she’d realise what a great catch they were. If you do this, you’ll end up with one of two results: A) she’ll see you as more of a puppy, wanting her attention, but needing her approval and love. So, she’ll pull away, not wanting all that responsibility; B) if she’s a user who can see that you’ll do “whatever makes her happy”, she will take advantage of your good intentions and have you jumping through hoops to fill the gaps in her life, and sometimes even laugh (behind your back) at how pathetic you are. If the woman in your life is giving you the run around like this, without returning any real value or respect … she’s using you!
- YOU ARE ONLY EVER HER LAST RESORT. So, you’re keen on this girl, but you haven’t gone on a real date. Maybe you’ve had a coffee, given her a lift, fixed her window. But she’s always been “too busy” when you want to spend quality time with her. But, you can’t stop thinking about her. And then, SHE calls YOU! It seems like Christmas has come early. But, check the time, buddy. It’s 7pm on a Saturday night. Most likely her other date plans have fallen through, and she’s using you to fill the gap because she’d rather be doing something with ANYONE (you) than sit at home watching reruns of “Sex and the City”. If she REALLY WANTED TO SEE YOU, she would have planned it sooner. If you are her last-minute solution … she’s using you!
- SHE WANTS ADVICE ABOUT ANOTHER GUY! This is worst-case scenario. She’s already put you in the “friend” category, and it’s a difficult slope to climb if you want her to see you as dating material. She might be nice about it, but if her focus is on another and she’s picking your brains to impress HIM without even considering your feelings … she’s using you!
Now, any combination of these signs should make it clear if you are being used. So, to get a handle on things so you are never used again, I want you to think if this is somehow your fault. You might have known her for some time. Heck, you might have been a “yes” man right from the start, or her last-minute resort, or her go-go guy. But—in all that time—did you hang out with her on false pretences? Were you flirty enough and confident enough to be clear about how you see her? If not, how was she supposed to know?
Women are attracted to assertive men … men who know what they want, and don’t have to beg to get it.
And if you have wanted her all along, you’ve got to find a way to show her, without falling into these five situations listed here. My eCourse for men “Get into the SAC”goes into details about how you can build your Sex Appeal and Confidence to get the women you desire wanting you. You can read more about that below.
But, right now, I really want you to understand this point: YOU get to decide the terms. Don’t let her call the shots in a way that belittles or devalues you. Don’t hang out with her on false pretences. Don’t fool yourself into thinking she’ll come around. Be clear for yourself about what feels good for you. And then: BE THAT GUY! Anything else is dishonest to both you and her, even if it seems like harmless wishful thinking, it’s going to cause a lot of pain in the long run—most likely for you. Why drag yourself through all that?
Unfortunately, the heart can lead you blindly away from good judgement. “Get into the SAC” explains how to strengthen your instincts, read her signals, and steer clear of bad choices that leave you emotionally wrecked.
If the woman you are into is using you, you’ve got to decide with your head (not your heart … or your libido) that she’s no good for you. Don’t you deserve to be with someone who values you, and brings out your best? I think so!
Grab your copy of my BONUS eBook as well. It’s jammed packed with strategies that ALL confident men use to attract beautiful women. And it gives you the tools so you can too.Grab your copy here.
This post has been featured by dating expert for men, and author, Erica Black
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About Dr. Eric J. Leech
Eric has written for over a decade. Then one day he created Urbasm.com, a site for every guy.
About Dr. Eric J. Leech