A model is a model by every other name, but a supermodel is like the combination of Superman, Mighty Mouse and Wonder Woman, minus the lame cape, greasy curl and dyed tighty-whitey’s. They are smoking hot, ready to trot, look great on a yacht, showing everything they’ve got, which is assuredly a lot, hanging out with David Hasselhoff… Not!
Here is our list of the best of the best supermodels of all time in ranking order:
Christy Turlington
Heat factor: 10
Hasselhoff factor: 0 (David Hasselhoff has no connection what-so-ever with Christy, although his picture was stolen along with hers by Princess Diana’s former butler)
Besides assassins, lottery winners and government employees, Christy Turlington is one of the few people who can work 12 days out of the year and still make over $12 million. Fortunately, Christy’s heart is as big as her famous rear-end and I mean that in a nice (mound of round shapely) kind of way! She is involved with many causes such as poverty, breast cancer and PETA and has taken many an adolescent boy through his first sexual experience with Vogue magazine.
Marilyn Monroe
Heat Factor: 9
Hasselhoff factor: 0 (He was not even a stain during the time of her rein)
Marilyn has been the image of sex appeal for over a half century, through twigs, steroid injected fitness queens and fake-baked Barbeque Barbie’s. It has been said that she was “overrated” in the sack, but we would have certainly liked to have found this out for ourselves, thank you very much. There is also a rumor that she had 11 toes, but in actuality the rumor came from a beach photo where a grain of sand looked like a sixth toe. She also most likely was never an alien or cyborg robot sent to assassinate the US President, Bobby Kennedy, as other rumors have pointed.
Gisele Bundchen
Heat Factor: 8
Hasselhoff factor: 0 (Sorry Davy, she may no longer be Victoria’s Secret, she’s not desperate enough to go the Baywatch route quite yet either)
She’s worn an itsy bitsy, teeny weenie yellow polka-dot bikini… that she wore for her 9 millionth seven hundred thousandth time today. Gisele has been a standard beauty for many years now, so it only makes good sense to include her in with this elite pack of top supermodels. The problem with Gisele is that she talks so much about sex that she has lost some of her mystery. She has even told the pope how to have sex—which was protected, plentiful and unmarried; probably not exactly what he wanted to hear!
Stephanie Seymour
Heat Factor: 7
Hasselhoff: 0 (He can’t touch this!)
Stephanie’s life reflects upon the question, “Why do women pose naked?” Well, why the ugly ones do I have no idea, but who cares why Stephanie does… she just does and it is good! One only need to Google her name and you will be feasted with golden tanned treats galore. But look at her is all you may wish to do, as she is also known for her sharp tongue, jabbing wit and need to have her way. Her temper is a few degrees above her own sex appeal which would make for interesting bedfellows; especially with a few whips, chains and leather shackles!
Iman
Heat Factor: 6
Hasselhoff: 0 (They share the same birthday month (July), but don’t get and ideas David, she wouldn’t be caught dead at your party)
With the tattoo of a Bowie knife (husband, David Bowie) on her ankle, we can only wonder what other images could be made from this. Perhaps a Bowie knife opening a bottle of Viagra, or whittling a walking stick would be more apropos. David Bowie won Iman’s attention over fair and square and we can probably assume that it was with his dazzling British looks and not his multi-millions of dollars. We would still have Tyra Banks, but after seeing the way she handled Katherine McPhee’s breasts on daytime television, we’re not too sure which side of the team she is on anymore.
Cindy Crawford
Heat Factor: 5
Hasselhoff factor: 1 (It’s been rumored that they may both go to the same place for their Botox injections)
Some 15-20 years ago, almost every adolescent boy had at least one picture of her stashed underneath their bed for “emergency” purposes. Since her golden years, err; let me rephrase that—today, in her golden years she admits to having used cosmetic surgery to keep young for the past twelve years. So much for her miracle mixture of coffee grinds and olive oil she’s been telling us about. It looks like the timeless daily maintenance of synthetic drugs, silicone and possibly surgery has been her true salvation. Kind of brings new meaning to the word “old,” I guess nobody is immune, not even Cindy Crawford!
Claudia Schiffer
Heat Factor: 4
Stallone Factor: 1 (No Hasselhoff, but she did pose nude with Sylvester Stallone… which takes her down at least seven notches in our book)
David Copperfield made this beauty disappear in 1999 after the amazing illusion of actually getting Claudia to sleep with him for five years. Her fans claim her to be the most beautiful girl in the world. Others say, slap a clearance tag on her, take her to the glue factory and ride her hard into the sunset on a damp, musty horse. We say give the girl a brake, she can still plug two cannon barrels just by bending over!
Sophia Loren
Heat Factor: 3
Sofia Loren was hot before fire was created, before Hollywood snowmen became cellophane puffballs, before Don King formed a perma-flame on top of his head and definitely before celebrity women decided to leave off their panties to cool down from all Sophia’s lingering heat! This dark haired Italian beauty was packing and I’m talking about to visit her Aunt Bertha. She was built like a Mack truck that had just plowed through a marshmallow factory; thick and juicy in all the right places!
Linda Evangelista
Heat Factor: 2
Linda may not get out of bed for less than $10,000, but whoever said we wanted her out of bed. In fact, we might pay $12,000 just to keep her in bed all day! Linda is growing up and has started her own family, so we can all assume that she is currently getting out of bed for no less than a diarrhea filled diaper and a runny nose, but such is life. One minute you’re wining and dining across the wonders of the world and invited to all the A and B-list parties… the next you’re buying happy meals and talking to yourself while shopping for superman underwear.
Molly Sims
Heat factor: 1
Okay, being last on this list is not such as bad thing and being one of the youngest hotties featured here, it gives her time to rise amongst the ranks over the next few years. The first recommendation we have to improve her ranking is talk less about cleansing her colon and more about kicking somebody else’s, like David Hasselhoff’s… enough said!
This wraps up our list of the top 10 supermodels of all time. Remember, a model can not be considered “super” unless she has immortalized herself by simply mortifying herself in the process…
(Article originally appeared in Urban Male Magazine)
About Dr. Eric J. Leech
Eric has written for over a decade. Then one day he created Urbasm.com, a site for every guy.
About Dr. Eric J. Leech