Hey, we’re not judging. A man should be able to wear what he likes; whatever you’re most comfortable in.
But when your comfort equals your woman’s eyes bulging from her head, laughing, and then peeing her pants in disbelief of the fashion disasters you continually flog on a daily basis – well then it might be time to do something about it.
But then again, maybe you’re not that guy. Or maybe you are. We’ll let you judge for yourself.
Stains and/or Holes
Johnny Depp and rock bands have gotten away with wearing more stained and holed outfits than any man – but if you are not Johnny Depp or in a popular rock band, then you probably can’t get away with it. Even Mr. Depp catches a lot of flack for his downplayed ensembles, and the average guy will only be judged even harsher. Your choice of clothing is like an extension to your character. Stains and holes in either your shirt, pants, socks, or jackets give your character a tarnished appearance of laziness, uncleanliness, and a lack of motivation. But if you were just going for that “carefree” look, Toes on the Nose offers a laid-back look without any of the unintentional tarnish.
Skinny Jeans
Tight-fitting pants have been experimented with for a number of decades, and so far superheroes and wrestlers are the only ones who seem to be able to pull it off in short bursts. The simple fact that your squeezing into something masculine and rugged, like denim, makes no difference at all. And the other problem with skinny pants is they can cut off circulation to your valuable parts. I’m talking about your calves, your thighs, hips, yes, and even your johnson. These jeans have been known to twist a man’s testicles to the point where the only way to undo this kind of damage… is manually in the hands of an ER nurse.
Short Shorts
The ‘short’ short has been linked to sexy women for as long as we can remember.
Okay, now read the above sentence once more – and then look at the picture to the left. If you are still unsure, repeat the steps above as many times as necessary until you come to your senses.
Pajama Pants
I get it. You roll out of bed, see a beautiful day outside, and you just want to get right out there and start it. But don’t do it. Pajamas are for cuddling by the fire while inside the house. Pajamas are for reading a good book while inside the house. Pajamas are for sleeping while inside the house. At no point in that short checklist was it okay to be wearing pajamas anywhere but inside the house. And trust me when I say that most women know the difference between ‘comfy pants’ and ‘pajamas,’ and they are most definitely shaking their heads in disbelief once they realize that you don’t.
Tank Tops (a.k.a. Wife Beater)
This was a good look for Tom Sellick in the ’70s and ’80s, but those days are long gone. That style has been burned along with mullets and short shorts. Here is a quick test to understand when it is and isn’t okay to wear a tank top.
If you are on a basketball team and are currently playing: it is okay. If you are running a triathlon and are currently in competition: it is okay. If you are cooking roadkill outside of a rusty white trailer: it is perfectly normal. If you are a gentleman headed out on a first date, or a gentleman headed off to the club with some friends – then it is a poor choice.
Crocs
They offer improved air circulation, they are comfortable, and they work fantastic in a job where you are on your feet most of the time. Crocs are also great for just relaxing around the house. But throw on a pair of jeans, a slick collared shirt, and head out onto the town, and those holey green (blue, red, purple, or whatever) crocs become anchors that weigh down your style straight into the sewer. Even if your crocs match your outfit it is still not a good look (see photo to right for further details). But let’s be clear. Women do understand the bliss and comfort of a pair of crocs. But with that in mind, they still won’t excuse you for wearing them anywhere that behooves you to appear like a classy gentleman, such as on a first date, of which I have mentioned twice now (hint hint).
The Standalone Fancy Vest
I realize there are times when a gentleman would be wearing a fancy vest all alone, as in just before putting on his suit jacket, or just before removing the jacket and is preparing to remove the vest next. Yeah, those are pretty much about the only two times.
Bright Lights, Big Neon
What is sexy about a man, is when he can garnish attention simply from the subtle finesse of a well-fitted pair of denim, and a simple button-down shirt. If you are the type of guy who is keen to improve his vehicle using various neon flame decals and chrome plastic scoop funnels, you may also believe glowing clothes can make your personality and character brighter to those around you. But let me reassure you that unless you are trying to avoid being run over on the street, those bright reflective clothing will almost always do more harm than good.
The (Deep, Deep) V-Neck
Hey, I like to see a nice v-neck on a handsome gentleman as much as the next girl. And some guys can get away with a little more of a v-drop if they’ve got a nice chest (i.e. no man boobs). But there is a point where things begin to go drastically wrong no matter how great your torso looks sans a shirt. I think the photo to the left makes this abundantly clear.
Yoga Pants
Keep it in the yoga studio, which is where they belong (particularly, if you are a man).
Saggy Pants
You may be against the skinny jean, but just keep in mind that the extreme baggy look is not much of an improvement to us women. Especially if you’ve got a cute butt, why would you want to hide it – when we want to see it.
“Moses” Beard
The full beard has been a staple in men’s style for a long time. It gives a man a lot of options in the style department, and you can actually get away with a variety of beard lengths… provided you still keep it trimmed. Beards are an extension to the hair on your head, and when you don’t trim and maintain your beard regularly, it can get really oily, dry, scraggly, smelly, and just plain unattractive.
White Socks with Dark Shoes
This would also include dress shoes without socks, socks with sandals (Jesus shoes, thongs of any color), white shoes with black socks, etc. – but the point I am trying to make here is simply, no, no, and NO!!!
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- No…
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- No…
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- NO!
Affliction Brand Clothing
Affliction is like the new Ed Hardy, only some women would say it much worse on the eyes, especially if you are a man who is color blind, wearing pajama bottoms, and also have dark shoes with white socks. Yes, there is a place for the Affliction shirt, such as in your basement, painting, or when working out all by yourself (just please make sure that you are really by yourself).
Read More of What Women Want
What Women Want and How to Give it to Them
5 Things Guys Do in Bed that Disgust Women
How to Appear Sexier to Women
What Every Man Should Do Before Having Sex – According to Women
About Pamela Causfield
I'm a digital nomad and story teller that writes for Urbasm and a few other websites on men's interests, style, relationships and whatever tickles my fancy. In my spare time I like to play the field in search of my prince, travel, and consider myself an artisan of sarcasm at times.